“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23–24 (NKJV)
Dear Sister,
I’ve been asked before what inner healing has actually looked like for me.
And I understand why that question gets asked, because when you’re in it, you start wondering if healing is your portion?
It can make you question your faith. It makes you question if God will heal you, if He has already healed you. You start wondering why it seems like other people are healed… and you’re not. Or at least it feels that way.
I’ve had those same questions on this journey of my own. So, when I answer this, I’m not answering from a place of having it all figured out. I’m answering from what I’ve actually lived through, and what I’m still walking through now.
When Going Deeper Didn’t Look Like Healing
When I started going deeper in my healing, it didn’t look the way I thought it would.
It didn’t feel like peace right away. It didn’t feel like everything was coming together. If anything, it felt like things were coming up that I thought I had already dealt with. And that’s where some of that confusion came in, because I’m thinking… if I’m healed, then why is this still here?
That part took me a minute to understand.
What Going Deeper Actually Looked Like for Me
Going deeper for me actually started when I got tired. Not just tired physically, but tired in a way where I knew I couldn’t keep living like I had been living. I couldn’t keep carrying what I was carrying the same way, especially since I was never meant to carry it in the first place.
And since God had made it very clear that He wasn’t going to let me leave here in my timing, then I had to figure out how to remain here.
Which started with choosing my children, because I didn’t know how to choose me or even God yet. That’s really what it boiled down to. My trauma from sexual abuse was an open festering wound, and now I could see it. Going deeper didn’t look like something spiritual on the outside. It looked like honesty.
It looked like me not caring what people thought anymore. If I needed help, I asked for it. If I needed to speak about what I had gone through, then I spoke about it. If I needed to pray, then I prayed, but not trying to sound right. I just needed God to meet me where I actually was. I stopped trying to manage what was still hurting. I started caring for it.
When My Relationship With God Got Complicated
And that’s also where things got harder. Because going deeper meant I had to face how I really felt about God. I hadn’t gotten past the thought that He allowed it to happen. And when that’s sitting in you, it shows up in ways you don’t always recognize at first. It started affecting everything, how I prayed, how I trusted God, and even how I saw Him.
I had forgiven people in some areas. But I hadn’t dealt with what I was holding against God. Let that sit for a moment.
Realizing that was hard. Sitting with that was hard. Working through that was even harder. But over time, something started to shift. Not all at once, but little by little. I began to understand that what happened to me was not God’s plan for me. It was the result of people’s choices. And that may sound simple, but it took time for that to really settle in me.
Because when trauma has shaped how you see things, it doesn’t just shift overnight. That was part of going deeper too. Letting God meet me in the places where my understanding and my experience didn’t match yet.
Healing and What I Thought It Would Be
Yes, healing had already happened on the cross. But that didn’t mean I automatically experienced it in every part of me right away. And I think that’s where a lot of confusion comes in, especially when you’ve been taught or you have seen what instant healing looks like. The kind we read about in the Bible or the kind people try to tell you is how it happens or supposed to happen for everyone who believes.
But that’s not the full picture. There are people who were healed as they went Luke 17:11–19. There was a man who didn’t see clearly the first time and had to be touched again before he could fully see Mark 8:22–25. So, healing being a process is not outside of God’s Will. It’s actually something we can see in Scripture.
When Triggers Made Me Question Everything
And then there was the part I didn’t expect.
Triggers!
I didn’t expect to still be triggered by certain things. I didn’t expect moments where my body would react before my thoughts had time to catch up. I didn’t expect that I wouldn’t always know what was going to set something off or how strong the reaction would be. And that made me question again… am I really healed? But what I started to learn is that those moments didn’t mean healing hadn’t happened. It meant there was still something deeper being worked through.
What I Learned About Walking It Out
That’s when this Scripture started to make sense to me in a different way:
“Therefore, we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.” 2 Corinthians 4:16 (NKJV)
That “day by day” part is real. Because some things don’t change all at once. Some things are walked out. Yes, Jesus healed me. But I still had to walk through what that healing looked like in my mind, in my body, and in the way I responded to life.
And some days looked better than others. Some days I felt steady. Some days I didn’t. But I kept going. Not perfectly. Not always confidently. But I kept going and I am still going.
My Moment of Reflection
And now I can say this honestly. It does get better. Even when it doesn’t look like what you thought healing would look like. It will get better. I had to believe that and keep walking it out until it started to look better. I also understand now that part of my journey is tied to my calling. I do believe I was built to handle what I’ve had to walk through. Not because it was easy. Not because it didn’t affect me. Not because I always handled it well or handle it well all the time. But because I can now sit here and tell you that there is another way forward.
There is another choice. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s slow. Even when you don’t fully understand what’s happening. I’m glad I did it. And I’m still doing it.
A Gentle Pause
Sometimes what keeps coming up isn’t there to set you back. Sometimes it’s showing you where something still needs care. Sometimes it’s the Holy Trinity’s way of saying it’s time to stop carrying what you were never meant to carry and truly give it to Him.
Looking back now, I think part of the confusion was believing healing was supposed to look one way. So when things came back up, I thought something was wrong. But some of those moments were not showing me I was going backwards. They were showing me there were still places in me that needed care.
My journey and experience may have hit home with you as you read through this blog, so before I close, I want to invite you to pause with me for just a moment.
Journal Reflection
Take a moment with me. Not to fix anything, just to notice. Where are you right now, not just physically, but internally?
What has your healing looked like thus far?
What do your triggers show you that you may still be carrying?
And what would it look like to begin releasing those things to Jesus to carry, with the help of the Holy Spirit to release it, so that God can care for the festering wound?
Whatever came up for you in those questions, you don’t have to walk through it alone.
Join the Journey
If these words met you where you are, I’m grateful you’re here.
This space continues through support. If you feel led, you can Buy Me A Tea, or take a tool for the journey with you, whether it’s a Hardcover Journal for reflection, an Affirmation Cuff bracelet to carry with you daily, or a Scent Diffuser to help shift the atmosphere as you move.
