Dear Sister,
I am still on the journey, and let me be honest about part of my journey. Forgiveness, this was one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. Not because I didn’t love God or didn’t want to heal. I know others can make you feel that way because they don’t know your journey, but that isn’t the truth.
Forgiveness felt heavy and unfair. It felt like I was being asked to let go of something when no one had been held responsible. If you have ever felt that type of tension, then I know we have traveled in the same boat, and for others may still be in the boat, and that’s ok. This is why you are here.
When Forgiveness Feels Unfair
There is a moment many of us encounter where we hear, “You need to forgive.” People don’t always talk about how unfair forgiveness feels. For me, it felt like I was saying what happened was okay. It felt like they got off easy while I was still stuck with the bill. And this is where forgiveness felt unfair for me at the start.
We know forgiveness isn’t wrong, but because it is often presented without understanding the weight of what we may be carrying.
For example.
When Unforgiveness Is Carried
Scripture does not ignore trauma, even when others do.
Let’s look at Tamar.
“…So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom’s house.” 2 Samuel 13:20 (NKJV)
I’ve heard and read this story many times, but one day I realized something was missing. We don’t see Tamar healed or restored. We don’t see her thriving. We just see what it looks like to carry pain.
We don’t see her thriving or forgiving. We just see her carrying pain. To be honest, there was a time I looked just like that, and my body felt it, too. But the story does not stop there. Her brother Absalom reacted to what happened.
“And it came to pass, after two full years…” 2 Samuel 13:23a (NKJV)
“…So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded.” 2 Samuel 13:28–29 (NKJV)
He didn’t react in the moment he heard, but he held it. After two years of carrying what was done, Absalom reacted by having his brother killed.
What we hold onto doesn’t stay still. It grows. Because Absalom never released his pain safely, it eventually turned into more harm.
Absalom didn’t just have an anger problem; he had a ‘carrying’ problem. He tried to carry what was never his or hers to carry. So that you don’t carry this story with you. Let’s stop and take a deep breath here and release………. We are not Tamar, nor are we Absalom, and this is not your weight to carry alone.
When Forgiveness Is Walked Out
Then there is Joseph.
He was betrayed and deeply wronged by his own brothers. I have sat with that part of his story before. It is one thing to hurt. It is another thing to see the people who hurt you again. Maybe it was a family member or a leader for you.
Joseph had the power to get even, but he chose to respond with peace. His forgiveness didn’t happen all at once. It was a journey of many small choices.
When he chooses to reveal himself, he didn’t speak from a space of shame, unforgiveness, or pain, instead…
“But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good…” Genesis 50:20 (NKJV)
He did not pretend it didn’t happen. He named it clearly. And then he chose something different, and he chose to respond. He provided for them. He spoke peace. He didn’t return harm for harm. That kind of peace doesn’t come from pretending you weren’t hurt. It comes from a journey walked out over time.
What These Stories Show Us
When I look at Tamar and Joseph, it’s not about who did right or wrong. Instead, I see a difference in what was carried and what was released safely in the presence of God.
I have learned this slowly in my own journey. What we carry does something to us over time. Not always all at once, but it does not stay still. For example, one of the things I remember that I learned from my mother. It was through a conversation she said, “Acid does more damage to the container that it is in than to that which it is poured upon.” This became another layer for me in forgiveness.
Forgiveness, when it is walked through with God, begins to shift what we are holding (the acid). Not by force and not overnight for some of us, but little by little. It makes room. Room for release and room for something special to grow. Most of all, God is present in all of it, especially in the process.
What Forgiveness Is Not
I had to learn this slowly. Forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. Forgiveness isn’t returning to unsafe places or relationships. You can love from a distance. You can have boundaries. You can choose what is safe. What forgiveness don’t do is remove wisdom.
What Forgiveness Begins to Do
What I learned from my mother shifted my understanding even more. Even though I had already started to forgive, this changed things. I was holding something affecting me more than the person I hadn’t forgiven. And I did not want to keep carrying something that was slowly affecting my life, my body, my peace, my children, or the people around me. Better yet, my relationship with The Holy Trinity or the purpose and plan for my life.
My Moment of Reflection
In this journey of healing of mine and maybe even yours, forgiveness didn’t or may not come all at once. It can come in layers, in time, and in depth. There were moments I thought I had forgiven, but I hadn’t, because my body was still carrying it physically and mentally.
Fibromyalgia was ruling my life. This was not emotional pain. This was physical pain. My body was in constant pain. It was over a level 10 every single day. Just being touched would hurt. It’s hard to explain to someone who wants to hug you that you just can’t be touched, especially when you are in need of that very hug. I had to wear oversized clothes just to function. Anything against my skin caused pain. Nothing I tried was taking that pain away.
At the time, I didn’t fully understand what my body was holding. I had forgiven in words, but there were still places inside of me that hadn’t released what I was carrying. And my body was responding to that.
Then one day, I decided to truly forgive, not in a surface way, but in a deeper and honest way. To truly release and let go of unforgiveness. For me, that day, something shifted, something instantly changed. The pain that had been constant wasn’t anymore. Let’s be clear, I still have pain, just not at that level. Carrying trauma for years causes a fire inside your body called inflammation. It damages your nerves. But as I let go, those nerves finally started to heal.
This is not a formula. This is not a promise. This is what a step in my journey looked like. But it showed me something I could not ignore. My body had been carrying what I had not fully released. And when we begin to release it, our bodies will respond.
How Forgiveness Restores Trust
Forgiveness did not make trust come back all at once for me. It did not suddenly fix everything. As I started releasing what I was carrying, something inside of me made space, space I did not realize unforgiveness had been taken up.
In that space, something began to rebuild. Not fast and not all at once, but slowly. With myself first, and then, in time, but still being careful with others. Carefully, wisely, and at my own pace. So, one may say, well, what about God? This is where I am still learning to walk. Recently, I had come to understand that I trusted God in my yesterday and tomorrow, but I was not trusting Him in my today. This is the step in my journey that I am still on today, trusting God in my TODAY!!
A Gentle Pause
Forgiveness can feel heavy. It can come in layers for some of us. Just because you may still be walking it out, doesn’t mean you lack faith or aren’t healed. We were all healed when Jesus died on the Cross. It just means you aren’t alone, and you don’t have to carry this by yourself.
Forgiveness isn’t always instant. Sometimes it’s a bunch of choices stringed together and walked out. Therefore, you don’t have to rush it or force it. Just let it flow out of the container into the hands of Jesus. He is the only one who can and is meant to handle that acid.
With love,
Minister Jane Coy
Still On The Journey
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